Red Nose Day 2019

Red Nose Day is about bringing people together to have fun, raise money and change the lives of kids who need our help the most.   Sounds, and is, a great idea.  Childhood should be the time of our lives when we are surrounded by love, empowerment and balance but in many families that is not the case.  As a counsellor working with adults and couples, the lack of these essentials in early life is pretty common.  The early seeds of unhealthy thinking begin to gain weight and size as we snowball through life gaining so much baggage that it can sometimes leave us paralysed to live our own lives.

As there are no caregivers’ manuals and because we are all fallible human beings, sometimes we can, or feel we can, screw up being a parent early on.  Most times we learn our way the hard way but then spend years compensating for it rather than realising that we really didn’t need to – children are pretty resilient.   I read a great book called “Why Good People Do Bad Things” and in it, it points out that we all have a light and a dark side.  Even as toddlers when we say that we didn’t do something that it was blatantly obvious that we did it shows that we have the capacity to lie; or when our parents/caregivers have spent hours playing with us and doing what we want,  when they stop we want more showing that we can be selfish etc., etc. Unless we are shown a different more balanced way of reacting our natural “Bad” side will come to the forefront.

Sometimes however it is tragic.  Unfortunately, because we live in a seemingly “all or nothing society“, if we make a mistake and others by good or malicious intentions highlight it, sometimes events unfold which can so quickly spiral out of control.  A child who bumps into everything get bruised and to “safeguard” the child the parents are under suspicion making it impossible to have a normal family life;  A parent in a resentful relationship with an ex accuses the ex of inappropriate behaviour to even the score; A child goes into school and gives attitude to a teacher and the teacher reacts but only the teacher is held accountable.  They are of course real issues that need addressing – If true.  But how do we know if they are true unless we investigate? Tough call.  But if the wrong call is made either way, the child and family suffer.

As a counsellor, when I was training and working for a local addiction’s agency, I was given strict instructions that if someone mentioned ‘suicidal thoughts’ I had to mention them to my supervisor.  I have since learnt that many people have fleeting moments of “Having Enough”.  It doesn’t mean that they will do anything about it – but sometimes it does.  My skill is in being able to discuss it rationally and honestly with an adult.  If it is a serious intent, I make a Contract that I will not take responsibility for them doing it ‘on my watch’ and while we are trying to get to the root cause of those feelings.  Unfortunately however when the rapport, skill level, confidence to challenge, and a realistic caseload isn’t in place sometimes we can fail families.

My suggestion is therefore that whatever is missing in the mix above perhaps we need to ensure that those faced with making such tough calls should have them fully in place before they have sent them out to make them.  There are, I am sure, many great and exceptional social workers as there are many great and exceptional counsellors.  But there are also some that, whilst I am sure have a great healing intent are ill-equipped at assessing real life situations to best serve families and children in difficult times.  Or perhaps they are, and it is the system that is fault.  The level of accountability may be too narrow and restricting to be really meaningful.

In summary, I don’t profess to have the answers in what is an extremely delicate situation I do think however that we need to keep asking the questions of “Is this working” and if it isn’t to make sure that we accept that and tweak it until it does.