DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE CLOSE WHO STRUGGLES WITH ADDICTION?

One of the hardest thing in the World is to watch (The Concerned) someone (The Addicted) destroy themselves – little by little.  The method of their destruction is in fact not so important as the fact that they are hurting so much inside (even if they don’t actually realise it) that they do so.  Therefore, I do feel it is only fair to point out to The Addicted that The Concerned do have to watch and try and make sense of what is happening to them and that The Addicted have chosen Addiction over The Concerned.  The Addicted, for the most part, remain oblivious of the “knock on effect” their destructive behaviour has on those around them.

The Concerned will feel powerless and confused by Addiction.  Even more so if The Addicted is a child however old.  As parents it is hard as they have raised them, protecting them from harm when they were little and learnt the hard way that when they were older that they no longer have the power to “make it better” for them.  They of course try to but it is, in the main, pointless.  Harsh reality I know but never the less true.

Having an adult child that is hurting throws all manner of conscious (and subconscious) thoughts up.  As parents they can question if it is their fault, did they do too little/too much for them, should they not have moved so many times, should they not have broken up the family even though everyone was unhappy, etc. etc.  In fact they could find a whole load of things they could try and blame themselves for (and some may, but only may, in part have contributed) but none of this really helps.  If The Concerned’s health and/or life falls apart  beating themselves up about the whys and wherefores, then what has The Addicted got to come back to when/if they recover?

So what does help?   This is a really, really an unpalatable truth but………they can do nothing to help The Addicted until they want help.  The only thing The Concerned can do is to detach with love.  Again – sounds quite harsh especially for parents or partners.

So what is detaching with love.  The Concerned have to make it clear that they are there for them; that they love them but they don’t like their behaviour; that they will help them through their recovery if they decide to change but they won’t enable their Addiction; they will set clear boundaries that are right for them and convey them to the Addicted; they will keep in contact (on their terms not The Addicted) and then they Detach with Love.

What does this mean exactly?  Detaching with Love means that they concentrate on all the things that they have neglected while they have stressed and run around trying to say/do things to get The Addicted to stop their behaviour. They eat properly.  They take spend time with family and friends.  They can even laugh!  The Addicted has made their choice to be in misery The Concerned did not make the choice to be in misery enabling them.  The Addicted know they have The Concerned waiting in the wings if they truly need them but for now the best The Concerned  can do is to live their life fully and healthily so that when/if The Addicted wants to “come home” they have a healthy place to support them.

We can’t change things ourselves for The Addicted but it does help to talk things through with a professional who understands what you The Concerned are going through.  If you would like to do that email jean@justonesmallstep.uk.com to make a free 15 minute non therapeutic taster session to see how you can find a way to Detach with Love.

#addiction#Al-Anon#