ARE YOU ANGRY AND IF SO ARE YOU SMOULDERING OR EXPLOSIVE?

Anger is a basic emotion that we are born with.  It can be both a good and a bad thing.  It can be indiscriminate fireworks or a cancerous bundle of resentment.  Anger in its pure form can be something that can empower us to do something and make changes.  However, depending on how much we have squashed our anger “doing something” could mean that it goes off like a bullet out of a gun with no time to think.  Conversely sometimes we brood on our anger and it festers and contaminates our rational thinking so much that  it colours our everyday World.

Each of us are different.  Each of us have had a different journey where we have had to negotiate our anger.  If it is not handled well growing up, we could very well carry on this trend throughout our adult years.    Sometimes we have been put down so many times when we were vulnerable that as adults’ we put our fighting irons on and look for putdowns even when there aren’t any intended as we perceive it to be our self-protection mechanism.  We attack before we have had a chance to be attacked!!

Passive anger is also self-destructive.  We see examples of where people have built up anger over perceived and sometimes real situations and then when the anger overflows and they act leaving family, neighbours, colleagues etc stunned that “so normal, so nice” a person could have been capable of such dire acts.  Passive aggression often manifests itself in “the silent treatment”, revenge acts, gaslighting etc.  before it can explode.

So, what can we do about it if we do feel we are angry and it is causing us difficulties?  Communication may sound like the hardest thing to do when we are angry but if we don’t say how we feel about something how can we ever change it.  The Serenity Prayer (or my version of it) asks “If I can change something let me do it, If I can’t let me let it go and be wise enough to know the difference”.  Communicating Cleanly and Clearly can help us change things and one of the things I ask clients who may not be coming to counselling specifically for anger but who are displaying it, is to complete the sentence as many times as they need “I am angry because…………”.  It may start off with something like “……He/She winds me up” but usually it gets to the real reasons for the resentment/anger “….I feel unsupported” “I feel I let you down when I lost my job.” etc. etc. That then opens’ the dialogue to articulate thoughts and feelings and start defusing the anger.

If you feel angry and you would like to explore what’s going on for you, I’d be happy to help you do that. You can email me at jean@justonesmallstep.uk.com.